OFFICIAL TEAM MAGICIAN: A NEW DIMENSION TO CRICKET.

I guess I have made it quite clear to all that I’m just an ordinary guy. I have the normal desires and passions of an ordinary guy and was quite a Bacchanalian in my, hey days. I imbibed of the cup that runneth over with great fervor and passion, so much so that my friends and well wishers never expected me to live to see the commencement of my fiftieth year on this planet.

Being blessed with below average intellect, I did not realize that Bacchus was out to destroy me and was providing me with the illusion of pleasant sensations just to drag me deeper into the mire of debauchery. It therefore came as a surprise to me one fine day to realize that my health was failing and that I was rapidly loosing the vigor and energy that was so characteristic of me during my youth.

I therefore decided to go see one of those guys who are too good at making the money in your wallet disappear at speeds faster than can be measured in mach or whatever it is they use to measure the speed at which money disappears. Haven’t yet got what I’m saying? Well I’m just referring to my friendly neighborhood medicine man who would never condescend to be called anything else but a Doc.

Well to cut a long story short, that friendly Doc just dropped a bomb on me by asking me to refrain from entertaining my evening companion, that bottle of joy. He made it very clear that I would kick the bucket if I did not kick the bottle; in no uncertain terms and informed me that all that was inside me; from my throat downwards to my very intestines, was too far gone to even continue for a year if I continued to stick with my old companion. Easier said than done, I should say; for any one who has had such a long standing companionship would certainly vouch for that. It would have been easier if that Doc had told me to forget my wife for I would have happily done so but this was something different and all the more difficult.

Ask anyone who has quit the bottle and they would tell you that the first few years are the most difficult period. In fact, the first few days are pure hell and being idiotically stubborn as I am, I refused all medical aid and support to see me through those first few months. Needless to say I was irritated all the while and unable to sleep. The little moments of reprieve when I managed to doze off were filled with nightmares and terrible dreams so much so that my entire life during that period appeared to be one big hallucination.

It was during that period that I first happened to have strange visions in which I was visited by a Swamiji from the Himalayas who used to share a lot of his thoughts with me on almost everything under the sun. In fact, on his first visit he told me that he had come from the Himalayas to get him self a special kind of Water that was only available in South India and had happened to find me in need of some comforting and had therefore stopped over to have a word with me. I started addressing him as Water Swamiji and used to wonder if the Water he was referring to was some kind of hooch made from the choicest fruits and herbs that grew in South India. Anyways, not wanting to offend him, I kept my thoughts to myself and we soon became thick friends.

When I told my Doc about these visits he just laughed them off and told me that they were mere hallucinations of an alcohol deprived mind. He offered to give me some medication to put me to sleep but I stubbornly refused this as well. Needless to say that Water Swamiji’s visits became all the more frequent and our friendship grew in leaps and bounds. What made me certain that Water Swamiji’s visits were not hallucinations but reality was the fact that whatever predictions or forecasts that the Swamiji told me during his nocturnal visits were proved right later on. He even predicted on the eve of the ballot being counted that the Prime Minister with a turban and a beard would come back to power after the parliamentary election results were announced.

A week later, I was sitting rather despondently in my bed with no sight of sleep in the offing when Water Swamiji just appeared out of the blue and sat down next to me on my bed. I remained silent and did not even make an attempt to welcome him for I had just witnessed the second semi-finals of the second edition of the NRI – IPL and was rather depressed that my favourite team, “The Chennai Super Kings” had been badly outplayed by “The Bangalore Royal Challengers” which was owned by the guy who made barrels of my former companion and thereby made barrels of money for himself while causing guys like me sleepless nights. Sensing my depression, the Swamiji asked me what was the problem and I told him how I felt humiliated to be let down by my home team.

The Swamiji listened patiently and then said, “T20 is just not cricket, my friend and when I mean not cricket, I mean that it is not fair anymore”, he comforted me. “It has become more of a gamble than a game and the high stakes have made it so my friend”, he continued. “Did you know that some teams now have official magicians and tantriks as part of their retinue just as much as they have official coaches and trainers and physios and managers?” he questioned me. I could not decipher what he was getting at stared blankly at him. I wondered if he was pulling my leg just as much as I am pulling yours right now.

“I really am serious my friend”, he continued. “Do you remember that pace bowler who was dubbed the 'enfant terrible' by the media sometime ago?” he carried on, “The guy who has so many amulets and talismans hanging around his neck that every time he bowls, these amulets and talismans pop out of his shirt during his follow through” he mentioned.

I knew the bowler whom the Swamiji was referring too; for he hailed from a state in India that did not have much of a reputation for producing first class cricketers as much as it produced Magicians and Tantriks. Now coming to think of it, I realized that what the Swamiji was saying was true. “The guy wears so much protection around his neck that he would put to shame any opening batsman who dons multiple layers of protective gear all over his body,” the Swamiji mused. “In fact” continued the Swamiji, “The guy made a mark for himself at the national level only due to the powers of his personal tantrik and not because of any true skill or talent”.

I was really awed by the Swamiji’s insights and kept mulling them over in my head when he shattered my thoughts and set me on a further line of thinking. “Do you remember a former Captain of the Indian cricket team who was unceremoniously dumped from the national team a few years ago?” he questioned. I nodded my head in affirmation, for I knew whom the Swamiji was referring to. “It was only because of a special yagna conducted by the family of the deposed captain with help from a tantrik who charged a hefty fee that the deposed captain was reinstated to the Indian team; though not as captain”. “Unfortunately”, the Swamiji carried on with his monologue, “The tantrik was not really too powerful and did not perform the yagna correctly as a result of which the former captain could not hold on to the place in the team that the tantrik had managed to obtain for him”.

All this was too much load for my mind to accept in one go but the Swamiji was not to be deterred. He carried on the monologue with great conviction. “Do you know that whenever our country plays with a not too friendly neighbouring country there are batteries of magicians fervently casting their spells on both sides of the border?” he asked me. I was surprised for this indeed was news to me that a cricket match could also become a show of strength between two opposing groups of magicians was too hard to believe. Sounded like it was right out of a Harry Potter movie. The Swamiji on observing the look of skepticism on my face felt insulted. “You don’t seem to believe me, but you will one day realize that all that I have said is true”.

I wondered how a cricket team would go about the business of recruiting a magician or a tantrik for the team? Would they place an ad. in the newspapers for this or would they recruit more discreetly for they would not want the ignominy that such a move could bring them. “It is indeed a lucrative profession for the fees paid to such magicians and tantriks are far more than the fees paid to a player” said Swamiji.

Being unemployed and knowing fully well the astronomical sums paid to some of the cricket players I wondered if it would be possible for me to enter into this profession. Swamiji seemed to have read my mind and said, “Don’t worry, I will partner you and assist you in this endeavor, if you could find a team that would want our special skills”.

I immediately started listing out all the teams that I knew of that could benefit from such a service, especially those teams that had not done too well and had been placed in the bottom half of the points table in this the second edition of the IPL and who would want to do better next year in the third edition. I instantly began to draw up an application that I hoped to send out to such team owners and managers.

Any takers; anyone?